Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
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Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.