Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.