Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
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It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.