Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
jesus, what did this guy do
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
dutch so unserious
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic