Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

This is amazing.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

watching gymnastics

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious