Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.