Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
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Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that