Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

this is literally a CIA plant

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.