Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]