Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
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My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…