Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I feel this so hard
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
