Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

The Onion called it…again.

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

My Guy

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Generation gap…

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar