Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

How to draw a duck

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.