Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
You Might Also Like
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.