Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?