Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.