Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Stop sending me this shit.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.