Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
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The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*puts cutlery down*
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*