Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

*has no idea what a book even is*

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.