Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

I need better friends

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.