Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.