Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Going to church you guys need anything

#growingpains

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?