Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
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I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication