Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

set yourself free xox

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

X-tra spooky blend