husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]