husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
step 6: release the wall snake
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.