husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
This one’s “Alex”.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed