Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit