Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
You Might Also Like
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?