Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
The news
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.