Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
You Might Also Like
Me trying to “trust the process”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Great acting.. 😂
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!