Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.