Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
There’s always that one guy
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.