Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
the battle rages on
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
This has made my week.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.