Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
courtroom exchange of the day
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.