Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Previously On Persistence 😎
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.