Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Danger is very dangerous