Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
what is cheese if not milk persevering
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
