Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
fixed it
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish