Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample