Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
