Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“Wait, let me explain..”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
GM✌🏻
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
