Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
“What?”
– Jude
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
