Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Fight

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

The sacred texts.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…