Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Fiction has to make sense.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this