Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

⛄️

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????