Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

My wedding will be open casket.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.