Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

Introverted vegans go meetless