Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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cats when you pet them too long:
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
hand it over!
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t