Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

December birthdays be like…

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

serving silly goose instead of turkey

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

The Birdles

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao