Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
☠️
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
A drum solo but on your face.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.