Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”