Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
You Might Also Like
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Kermit goes Blue.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.