Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
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My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.