Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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#MeanwhileInCanada
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Otters see a butterfly.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers