Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
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What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
This is always good for a laugh.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
it was a valiant fight
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark