Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
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Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Going to church you guys need anything
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.