Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
You Might Also Like
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
When ur friends with white people
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
opening twitter today
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
