Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
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Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.