Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
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If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My Plans 2020
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
More like Kate Missington.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home