Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
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We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Reporter: *ports again*
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?