Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly