Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it