Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

What the hell is going on?

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

oh she’s cooked

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen