Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
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Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.