Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
You Might Also Like
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
War & Peace
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
No. YOU-buprofen.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
mentally somewhere in italy
