Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”