Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

channeling her this year

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.