Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
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[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES