Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

hmmmmmm

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

In Canada they just call them geese

Watson was Holmes schooled