Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

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god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference


ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house


[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!


Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.


The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”


Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice




MY SIX YEAR OLD NIECE: why do you have so many birthmarks


Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.


Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.