@mommajessiec

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

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@COMETHRUGIRL

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

@Kristen_Arnett

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

@ArfMeasures

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

@TheRealMelskee

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@Lazer_Cat_

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

@Spaziotwat

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

@ShortSleeveSuit

NOBODY:

NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON:

MY SIX YEAR OLD NIECE: why do you have so many birthmarks

@_b1p0larbear

Long story short: Always check headphones for spiders before you put them on.

@pauleggleston

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.