Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
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Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free