Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
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Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Cutest fight ever.. 😊