Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

man: wait

time: no

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts: